heART

So recently I blogged about finding my art in Express Yourself. In this past week I met with my spiritual counselor, GL from the PeaceWeavers and discussed what she had told me. In our session we talked about work, life, love attempts and art and he said to me "find your heart" however it was emphasised as "heART" and again it struck me, my art is my heart and I've cut off both of them.

In past weeks I've come to realize how emotional of a being I am and how easily I can get wounded and remembered why I've put on that Ice Queen shell. To protect myself from all the dangerous of the world. I don't know the exact time that I started to shut down however I do know the reasons for doing so, aside from the evils of the world but in thinking back I am not sure when I lost my art.

It must have been gradual, a slow death for me not to take notice and may have occurred around the time that I started losing confidence in myself. I know that at one point, since my return to Buffalo in 2003 I reached a very low point spiritually, emotionally, mentally. In whole I was a damaged being and to this day I am still on the mend.

It's an interesting thing, losing yourself and not being aware of it. You wonder earnestly what's wrong with you, what's caused this change in character however once you know it it's just easy to going back to it.

In a recent conversation with a friend the sincerity of my comment, "well I'm glad you found your joy.", in response to the question I replied "none sir, our lives are not often filled with joy and we don't have time to do or gt paid for to do it. Any instance we have, grab it." The conversation continues the in vaguest of terms about him finding his joy and going forward with something and that he has thought it out and the circumstances that could come with it. From the text of the text, this conversation was helpful.

I should look back to this conversation and see how, in my own life taking a chance on something I desire could change the world for me. My statement of "I've not the chance so many times, yes." is one of the truest statements I've ever made. Often in times I keep to the safer more stable ground then rock the boat and venture into the high seas.

Taking a chance is one of the most frightening things a person and can do, however this could also be the most rewarding.

I've recently been watching Jem on the HUB and saw an episode "Midsummer Night's Madness" where Jerrica if stressed out and thinks everyone is loyal and loves Jem over Jerrica however they are the same person. In the end the lesson learned was that no matter who Jerrica was, meaning in this story she was Jerrica, Jem and the random identity Jamie the love of her life was connected to her because he was connected to Jerrica the person, not the identity she took on.

That is also a lesson that I need to learn for myself. I often fear that Sushia is the person that people love, not me however I always forget that Sushia and I are the same persons and it's just a physical expression of character.

Sushia is part of my art and also part of my identity, a part of my gender expression. However if if I am not expressing my heART what am I expressing? Who in the absence of everything did I become?

If my friend can take a chance on something can I take the same chance on myself? I don't know what his actions or opportunity was and but I know mine. Like in the days of our childhood, when we jumped off the swing or slid down the pole it's just a matter of making that decision to leap.