Set Sails

The world is a mysterious and wondrous place. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was not in a solemn mood but one of what I may call acceptance. I turned thirty earlier this year and for thirty years I have been single. I have never been in love or dated so this was nothing new for this year's red heart filled world. Out of my ordinary night of events I had worked a very busy morning at work, received the ordinary cutesy Valentine's from a coworker and came home to a very lounging afternoon. For diner I ordered Chinese food and made myself some vodka martinis and went to bed.

As part of my food order I received four fortune cookies, which the first three did not provide any insight or inspiration as they usually do however the fourth cookie, eaten this morning proved much different.



One of my biggest fears is failure. I want to be successful in business and I fear that my living out my life I will not. I've seen and experienced in the past what my social activities can do to my career and since that is the most unprotected choice in the world, including most of the United States I fear becoming a stereotype.

Is it self discrimination that I do that? Is it prejudice that I think that way about a group of people that I most likely belong to? Am I just blinded and bittered by my hometown?

I think it's a bit of everything. I've recently sunk into the reality that I am tired of dealing with the community here. Mostly based upon the struggle with keeping the Buffalo Drag Brunch going, to now I wonder is it me? I am the problem? I know I haven't been as focused on it in this last month as I should have been but do people just not want to work with me? I hope not but it's a fear.

That thought leads to what I fear the most, failure. Possibly bred into me by my parents it is the thing I fear the most and now that I am in an awkward position in life, my current professional transition, my finances restricted I feel the noose around my life greater than before.

Maybe my problem is the limited view of the transgendered community. My only experiences have been show girls or man girls. (Which forgive me for saying, but these are the girls that are living their T but goddess help them still look like dudes. it's horrible for me to think like that and it's something I know I have to work on)

I've never met a real girl until possibly the story of Janet Mock broke out, sharing her experience and that she is a transgendered person that is and has been highly successful but with her choice of coming out she is now the poster child for transgenderism. Which I'm sure no doubt weighed upon her heavily with her choice to share her story. It seems that anyone comes to surface about a topic they willingly and sometimes not take on the banner of that issue.

So where does this take me? I in my current state am a "ship in the harbor" and I think it's my biggest hold back, my biggest failure and as beautiful a ship in harbor maybe it's nowhere as beautiful as that ship racing across open waters.

But how do I leave the dock and do I have a crew that will help me get there?



With the major distraction no longer in my life I guess it's time to prepare to hit the high seas and get this ship in shape.