Elizabeth I was one of, if not the greatest monarchs of England. The Virgin Queen, she did not marry.
"I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married. "~Elizabeth I
Some scholars believe Elizabeth's disinclination towards marriage is based upon the life of her mother and one of my favorite ladies, Anne Boleyn. How her father, King Henry VIII famously loved her, usurped his first wife, Catherine of Aragon to place Anne on the thrown. I guess if my father had beheaded my mother I would be cautious of men too. Especially in a royal sense.
For Elizabeth when was guarded too guarded? I think in any sense, when we guard ourselves we always sacrifice something within ourselves. Elizabeth did so out of duty, for the love of her country and that of her crown. But this of course came to her with much scandal, the questioning of her virgin status throughout her entire life.
Lately my blogs have been about personas and I think being guarded is just another element of a persona. Something we hide behind and protect ourselves, guarding a piece of ourselves.
When it comes to the extreme measure of guarding, the "guarded like Fort Knox" I think is when it becomes self destructive, maybe something even sadomasochistic. When do you know, when do you realize that the self pain inflicted is actually for pleasure? That the walls so artfully crafted are for some derivation of pleasure?
At times I wonder how much of the loneliness is self inflicted and how much is actually observed. Do I cast myself into a role of being dejected drag queen? It's hard to weigh the evidence because I currently balance two realities. The day to day reality then the reality that is Sushia. I've done tests, not scientific of course but an experiment nonetheless. On gay.com I have two different profile, one for me and one for Sushia. One profile I can sit in for hours and not receive a hit, in Sushia last night I got 3 messages in 10 seconds and two more within 5 mins.
I guess one of the problems is that I don't stop and think, become the person you are. I think what is wrong with me? Why do people like me as one person but not the other? But is that because I'm happy as one person and not as the other? But then I counter argue that it's only because one if a fetish and the other is not and who wants to live the life of a fetish?
Who's guarding who? Who's the persona and who's the true person? I've taken down walls in the past, through the work of Greg Lynn and the PeaceWeavers but have I come to an older wall? GL and I use to discuss many times being guarded and walls that we build. I describe many times how starting with them, at my first circle in the Tri Main building I mumbled a few words out about how grateful I was that Keri brought me and had to pass the stick, then slowly month after month of going I began speaking and sharing and breaking down barriers. But maybe this is the Wall that has been back there all along, the Wall that was the first, the Wall that first went up for protection? The Great Wall of Sushitopia we shall call it.
So here we stand, do we walk away or break it down. I know the answer, I really do. I don't know if I play dumb or what, but I know what is behind it. I've just chosen not to approach it, but I think at this stage in my life, being where I am and where I want to go, the time has come.
I guess it's time "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" ~ Ronald Reagan
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