Darkness & Light

So this past weekend was my 29th birthday, with much fuss I did not plan anything, did not ask for anything to be planned but some friends took up the cause and treated me to a night of drinking on the birthday eve with shots and more shots at midnight followed the next night by attending an absinthe party being put on by a local restaurant. This event just happened to fall upon my birthday.

It was heartening to have people come out to celebrate me, since I so very little celebrate myself. The day long pouring in messages on FB was also a joy. Wishes from friends & family for all parts of the country. This is of course looking back on to it. In the heat of the moment I chose to remain in an indifferent mood for both of the nights, at times probably not being the best friend to everyone in attendance.

The end of the weekend came with a sour note, a friend became angry with me for not meeting up at the local bar while I was enjoying wine & cheese with other friends down the street. In a flash of a moment the darker mood kicked in and my reaction was (but not actually written back in text) was "fine, what loss is this to me." I've had several friendships fall apart so what is one more under my belt. This dark mood crept into all facets of my life and I momentairly decided I should accept my life, my job and try not to better myself or do what I enjoy. This mind set remained with me until the morning sun, then burned away with the nightmares caught on the dreamcatcher.

Oh darkness of the mind, how fun, SMF.

This day, post bday celebrations, after a great night of relaxing with friends, a great relaxing Sunday with friends. My mood swung back to the other way, this might be because I was as Urvish suggests I should be more open with my friends and I someone started that last night. This could be because I walked around most of my afternoon and had a nice brunch with friends. But I need to remain in the light, let the darkness burn away and remain away. I have worked very hard to control my emotions and for the most part remain in control. I do need to allow more expression of positive emotions and let myself feel love and compassion.