Set Sails

The world is a mysterious and wondrous place. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was not in a solemn mood but one of what I may call acceptance. I turned thirty earlier this year and for thirty years I have been single. I have never been in love or dated so this was nothing new for this year's red heart filled world. Out of my ordinary night of events I had worked a very busy morning at work, received the ordinary cutesy Valentine's from a coworker and came home to a very lounging afternoon. For diner I ordered Chinese food and made myself some vodka martinis and went to bed.

As part of my food order I received four fortune cookies, which the first three did not provide any insight or inspiration as they usually do however the fourth cookie, eaten this morning proved much different.



One of my biggest fears is failure. I want to be successful in business and I fear that my living out my life I will not. I've seen and experienced in the past what my social activities can do to my career and since that is the most unprotected choice in the world, including most of the United States I fear becoming a stereotype.

Is it self discrimination that I do that? Is it prejudice that I think that way about a group of people that I most likely belong to? Am I just blinded and bittered by my hometown?

I think it's a bit of everything. I've recently sunk into the reality that I am tired of dealing with the community here. Mostly based upon the struggle with keeping the Buffalo Drag Brunch going, to now I wonder is it me? I am the problem? I know I haven't been as focused on it in this last month as I should have been but do people just not want to work with me? I hope not but it's a fear.

That thought leads to what I fear the most, failure. Possibly bred into me by my parents it is the thing I fear the most and now that I am in an awkward position in life, my current professional transition, my finances restricted I feel the noose around my life greater than before.

Maybe my problem is the limited view of the transgendered community. My only experiences have been show girls or man girls. (Which forgive me for saying, but these are the girls that are living their T but goddess help them still look like dudes. it's horrible for me to think like that and it's something I know I have to work on)

I've never met a real girl until possibly the story of Janet Mock broke out, sharing her experience and that she is a transgendered person that is and has been highly successful but with her choice of coming out she is now the poster child for transgenderism. Which I'm sure no doubt weighed upon her heavily with her choice to share her story. It seems that anyone comes to surface about a topic they willingly and sometimes not take on the banner of that issue.

So where does this take me? I in my current state am a "ship in the harbor" and I think it's my biggest hold back, my biggest failure and as beautiful a ship in harbor maybe it's nowhere as beautiful as that ship racing across open waters.

But how do I leave the dock and do I have a crew that will help me get there?



With the major distraction no longer in my life I guess it's time to prepare to hit the high seas and get this ship in shape.

I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy. ~ Marilyn Monroe

Born Norma Jean Mortenson, June 1, 1926 she is an iconic Hollywood star, to this day remaining an iconic sex symbol,classic image of Old Hollywood and tragically linked to the definiation of Hollywood's dark side and probably one of the greatest stories of recreation ever in American life.

I recently saw "My Week With Marilyn", a film starring Michelle Williams as the legendary Hollywood starlet. I have to say with her first words uttered Michelle did a breath taking job portraying her.

This past New Year's Eve I recently had a performance at the Underground, a nightclub/bar here in Buffalo. The experiance was eye awakening and I always go back to the old say "how you spend your new years is how you spend your year.". Part of me hopes that this is not so, although I spent my NYE as Sushia, feeling attractive and beautiful I also spent it alone.
I spent most of the fall preparing myself for being alone. Going shopping, dining out, laundry, coffee alone but I wasnt quite prepared for spending my NYE alone, in a bar.

With this New Year Ive started a recreation of myself of sorts. Ive left my previous employer for a new one, in an industry that I have wanted to be a part of but have not entered before and Im trying my very best to focus on the moment and not six months down the line. (When I can post) However as I approach my thirtieth birthday, just sixteen days away I need to look towards my future. Who will I be? What will I be doing? Where will I be living? Will I be in love? Thirty isnt the of an era, Im looking at it as the start of a new chapter.

Giving Thanks and Trauma: A Family Thanksgiving

"Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound? Tell me
Are, are, are you, are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart"



This time of year is always enjoyable, here in the north the air becomes cool and crisp, for a few weeks our trees light up in color before becoming bare and we get trapped into winter.

This time of year is also home to the two biggest holidays where people come together from around the globe, return to their family homes for what can be the most uncomfortable time of the year. My quote at the end of last night, Thanksgiving was "why can't holidays come once every six months, I don't know if I can recover to do it again in sixty days". This from a text to a friend of mine.

I've always hated family gatherings, not just holidays but any of them. Birthdays, picnics, graduations, etc because some way, some how my family will argue over something. Now in the last few gatherings have been nice, no drama and although cautious with Thanksgiving I do have to admit I let my guard down. At four in the afternoon my mother even mentioned that this was the longest time we've ever spent together as I was at the house since around eleven in the morning to help prepare the meal.

All was well enough until too much vodka was poured and tempers flared and shouting across the table between my mother and brother ensued. I sat silent along with my brother's girlfriend at the table, victims of this angry match.

I'm quietly tried to comfort my mother, offered her water because at one point she started to cry post argument and my brother did not try to apologize or recognize her sadness however for my own sake I had to depart and not just to put away the four bags of laundry I've done.

As I got my car and pulled away I broke down in tears on the road, my emotional break had come to surface and I could not contain it anymore. The argument brought up old currents that have been buried deep within my mind from my own childhood, my parent's excessive drinking, their angry arguments, verbal and possibly physical abuse....all the things that I have worked so hard to heal or in some cases my mind has blocked out to protect myself.

I am damaged.

My tears lasted all the way home until at that point my instincts kicked in and I shut down, locked away what I was feeling into that vault where all emotions are buried.

I am damaged...but will try not to let you see it.



My love of science fiction and the stage/movie is my desire to escape my own reality, my love of Martha Stewart is my desire to hide the truth. Like any victim of abuse the shame you feel for being a victim builds the desire to make all appear as well or normal.

Am I strong because I know my damage? Am I fool because I am still limited by them? Am I a fool because I think I can hide them? I do actually think I do a pretty good job since I've had some friends be surprised by somethings they aren't aware of until I tell them.

What it ultimately comes down to is that I need to stop the continuing amount, the learned behaviour and allow myself to live a better life moving forward.

I am thankful for the knowledge of that and now must continue with it's practice.