Are we all just living in an illusion? This came to me today while shopping at the Home Depot. Since moving into NT my children, meaning my plants have taken a turn for the worst. My fern has lost many steams, my coffee plant that came with saplings now only has three, my giant aloe's babies were broken off and one has done well but the mother plant snapped and rotted at her steam and my gorgeous jade plant given to me by a coworker rotted to it's steam as well and all I could salvage were little branches.
Today was the day that I was going to take a stand and save my babies. I went to the Home Depot to get soil, a small pot and a rooting agent. I've never used this method before but it has been recommended by many garden shows I've watched to start plants and I thought my little jade, now plants could use all the help they could get.
The moment always hits me when I'm driving, walking or whatever I'm doing out in public. The husband, wife, the kids just living their every day lives and I stop for a moment and think "that is the life I wanted." Now since those early days I've come to the reality that I will not be a parent. I don't like children, and although protective of my nieces and nephews I am not parental. My next option would be a husband, I see these loving couples, in their public moments acting loving and caring towards one another and think back to my life. I have never had a boyfriend and never have had anyone really like me. I've been the object of someones desire but that isn't something you would built a life out of and it was more or less because oh what I was, a fetish.
To this day no one really likes me, I question my attractiveness, body image, persona, personality and wonder from time to time why am I the one sitting here lonely on a Friday night watching B movies, writing a blog and watched the series finale of Xena. Even Xena, for all of her faults, all of her previous past misdeeds found love. I haven't killed thousands of people, waged war across the ages or with gods and I know it's just a story but isn't this what we now base our lives upon the fairy tales we know?
I need to break the illusion, face that unhappy reality or just the reality that I live in. Heroes don't come into town and save us, not every girl is a princess or a queen and we all face different journeys and maybe some of us face those journeys alone?
Maybe it's been my true nature all along to be the courtesan, the geisha, the mistress, the whore. When I broke free and went wild the first time it was into who I truly am, and like every bad girl I wish for that alternate ending.
I tell people periodically that I'm not as dumb as I pretend to be and maybe this is where I need to keep telling myself that.
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