And Still

It's funny how emotions come and go, especially old ones. One of the moment occurred just an hour ago while driving home. Coming through my hometown of Kenmore, NY I was driving along the main road that goes through the city, village and town and can take me to my current residence. Scanning my mirrors as I do I see a large white truck and caught a face. My mind filled with old memories and my heart skipped a beat.

My high school crush/love. The man that I ever first fell for. I guess it's not a simple emotion, we were friends for 6 years, from the last years of middle school all the way to graduation. Notes, conversations, yearbook entries and just being friends, of course secretly growing affection for him and all in one quick glance it all comes back to me. He did not notice me in my tiny little car, as his big truck drove along side me for a few streets.

I've seen him three times since coming home to Buffalo, once at the gas station at the corner of my parent's streets. I was turning onto their street and he was pulling away. My second time was ironic, I was in a coffee shop with someone and he was in there. I never expected him to be in the coffee shop ever, but that's the ironic part and just now, driving down the street.
When I saw him in person he gave me a blank expression of acknowledgement and later on I saw he had nodded my way and spoke with the person that he was with.

I should mention and I may have done before so on this blog that after high school our lives went separate directions. He went off into the Marines and I went off to schooling in Rhode Island. However before departing I wrote a note, I no longer remember the details in full. This note was written with much crying in my best friend's apartment and a very big emotional break down where I tried snapping my friends neck with my legs. The very personal and emotional letter was then dropped in the mailbox at his family home prior to his departure for the Marines and from there we spoke again.

"Kings and pawns, marshal. Emperors and fools" Napoleon (Count of Monte Cristo 2002)I am just an old fool and an ever older game. Falling for men that I cannot have, a game that I seem to this day not be able to give up and that is probably why I turned away from the expression of and letting myself feel emotions however I would allow those same sensations to be expressed in my performances. If I couldn't be in love in the real world, why not be in love for a few mins on stage.

Well I've blogged it before and I'll blog it again, the show must go on. It's time to repair that cracked paint, pout the lips, doe those eyes and make it count.