"Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the standing odds? Isn't there a white night upon a fiery steed, late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need...I need a HERO!"
Growing up we learn that every princess needs to be saved. That every princess is looking for her prince who will take her away from the bad, take her into the good and love her for the rest of their lives...happily ever after.
These little tales that we learn are antiquated ideals from times when women were taught that they were little better then property if not property to a far superior male and although times have changed and sadly there are still some gender inequalities women no longer require saving, but do I?
It's no secret that I am a guarded person and I'm sure I am overly guarded. The old adage that I am my own worst enemy, a guard and jailer of myself almost too well done.
But am I setting myself up for failure? Heroes don't exist anymore if they ever did in the first place and it's a lot to put on one person, expecting them to save you and all. There is what stories, novels, comics, movies and television shows are for, to make up for the lack of heroes in real life. At least I'm being real about it, or is that a cover up to destroy the fact that I do in part need to be saved?
I do need to be saved, from myself. I am my ultimate weapon, ultimate enemy and just once I'd like someone to come in and save me from myself but that takes a lot of energy that I think anyone person finds to hard to bear for longer then required.
I tie the fact that I've had multiple "best friends" wander in and out of my life as part of that fact. I more often then not think that I am too much for anyone person to handle. At times I am often over the top and excessively eccentric and have only gotten more so as I've gotten older. This has drawn some new people into my life but has also pushed some away I believe. Not everyone, not even myself can always be "on". The curtain has to close at some point for their a new performer or for the show to go dark and let the performer rest.
I use to think that I wandered in and out of different friend circles to ensure that I was not bored by them but now I think it's because I don't want to overwhelm them.
I'm so sad, an egotistical, self loathing, vain being that loves and hates themselves so much. Someone that wants all the attention but doesn't want the attention at all.
2 comments:
Lot of heavy themes here.
F. Scott Fitzgerald is often quoted, “There are no second acts in American lives.” People misinterpret this as meaning that we cannot change or reinvent ourselves. The truth is the line was a criticism of how people cling to their youth (the first act) for too long, only to end up old (the third act) without ever appreciating true adulthood, a time ripe with reinvention. And being an adult doesn’t mean that you cannot have fun or even become a more eccentric version of your previous self – it’s simply a new stage in, to keep with the metaphor, the theater of life.
Reinvention, whether drastic or gradual, can either be a positive or negative experience and it depends greatly on the motivation. Generally speaking, if the change comes from within, with a desire to become something greater without excessive concern for how others will perceive you – that is, this change will make you feel more whole regardless the approval of others – then this is healthy. However, if the idea is to change yourself motivated primarily on how others will either accept or disapprove of you, well that probably won’t work out well. It’s not black and white. Obviously, there must be at least some consideration for others. You may think being a backstabbing selfish jackass will fulfill all of your desires, but watch where it gets you.
So perhaps some of those “best friends” of the past really were your best friends – at the time you needed them. As you’ve grown, and they’ve grown, you’ve found others whom fulfill those roles. While I marvel at people who have had a “best friend” since childhood, I recognize that this cannot be for everyone. Did they really find someone at such an early age that developed throughout the years emotionally, intellectually, even spiritually in synchronization with them? Or have they stubbornly held on to their first act together? Or do they refuse to seek out new relationships and remain together by default?
Though not always consciously, I think I’ve usually realized that the relationship between friends has reached the smoldering stage is when all you do is reminisce or when it becomes a hassle to get together.
Remember that there also exists a friendship that develops and may seem very strong because they are your neighbors or coworkers. Chuck Palahniuk refers to these people as “proximity friends” because you spend so much time with them and fall right into friendship mode. But once you move or take on a new job, even though you’ll say you’ll keep in touch, you very quickly lose contact with them. Friendships based on a shared passion are much stronger – as long as you both remain interested in it. To quote Chuck, this friendship is “a mutual quest that would keep you together with other people who valued this strange, intangible skill you valued.” And the deepest relationships are based on many shared passions.
As you’ve said yourself, not everyone can be “on” all of the time. And why should you? If the reason you’re “on” in front of others is because you feel the need to display a persona, perhaps you should ask yourself what it is about the persona that isn’t you and why you need to be that in front of others. But let’s be real here – we ALL have a persona of some sorts. It’s the public face we show others, but are not truly us. And that’s human nature.
And not only that – most of us have multiple personas. And that’s exactly what you describe in wandering in and out of different social circles. In some circles you may feel more relaxed being more of yourself. In others you highlight a side of yourself you may not to others. In yet others, you may display different, but no more important, aspects of who you are.
Finally, let’s go back to the whole “hero” theme. You questioned whether heroes exist. I have no doubt that they do.
But where fiction almost never explores is the reality of heroes and it can be summed up by this simple question: What happens to the hero when the battle is over?
By “battle” I do not necessarily mean a literal fight. Some heroes battle ideology. Some battle their own demons. And some battle for another person’s heart or respect.
But what happens afterward?
There are some battles that are decisive – the hero has destroyed the eliminated the enemy. There are others less so – the hero has won the heart of another.
But the commonality is that after the battle has been won, the hero becomes us. That’s why the story ends after the battle.
And in those stories where the battle is not so decisive, the true struggle is to endure the war of attrition. Romantic comedies often end with the couple overcoming obstacles and finding themselves together, but we rarely see the much harder work of dedicating years, on BOTH their parts mind you, to keeping that relationship alive.
Almost exactly ten years ago, a man told me, “You cannot be a hero to others until you are a hero to yourself.” I’d like to modify that slightly and tell you that you cannot be saved by a hero until you are already a hero to yourself.
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