So I woke up at 4am this morning and haven't been able to fall back a sleep, my head full of thoughts about my life, career, finances and stability and I keep asking myself maybe I should just settle or is my unhaapiness based upon the fact that I do not appear as as the person I really am?
It's now 10:22am, and the clairty that came at 4am is a thing of the past. Meaning the clairty of "just settle into it" is no longer there. At 4am the understanding that it is ok to just sit bag, live a miserable life and feel out of place is gone but the reality of the everyday crept back in and now it's a matter of loss.
The first time that I went about living as a woman I lived out of state, away from childhood friends and family, I had a whole new group of friends that cared and loved for me as I grew and attapted into a new character but now I'm back home, with my family, with my past, my history and having to deal with all of it.
I don't have close family relations, my closest relationship with my family is with my mother. She helps me a lot finanically and yet I still can't seem keep myself steady and the journey that I'm needing to take can potentially take that all away from me.
I think it's horrible that I'm not willing enough to give up creature comforts to live a miserable life just because I don't know if I could handle the alternative.
But I think one thing that happened with my early morning waking was that I am becoming more and more sure of myself, what I need and what i will need to do to start the journey new. A lot of the glitz, glam and attention I previously craved has now subsided, I mean there are moments when you want to be on stage, dolled up and the center of attention but I don't want it daily and I've come to understand the draw that I have to glamourus women is the draw that I have for myself to be one.
But where do I start from here?
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