Goa'uld

So this blog had previously been written and in still an edit format with an event occurred that connected to what I had been previously writing. The event had decidedly caused me to rewrite this blog all together so here it is.

"I think all performers come from a place of self-doubt and pain. Ray Romano said once, very accurately and hilariously, that if his dad had spent more time with him he would have been an accountant instead of a comedian. I think that anybody who wants to get on stage or tell jokes or sing songs has some sort of, at a fundamental level, desire to be paid attention to, and I'm no different."

Jon Hamm in an interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air

I have been recently thinking of myself and my character. What makes me attractive or unattractive to people. Is there something that I don't see inside myself that other people see that causes them to keep their distance?

While recently in Washington DC a coworker and I were actually discussing ourselves due to a long conversation with another coworker who shared his story of coming out of the Jamaican ghettos where a good week had four meals in it, where he mended his own cloths and use to repaid his own shoes by sewing metal back into it. Neither she or I have had that hard of a life, we've had three or more meals a day, never went without a hot bath or new cloths. She and I have never know his hardship and we never really think about what others are facing around the world.

I mean I do my volunteering and donating, I give to different charities when I can, I clean up the environment, plant trees, etc but I do not know what it is like to go without food, to go without more then a few pairs of cloths or have to sit under a lamp post on the street to read at night because I can't afford the electricity to do so in my home.

Well my own treachery was called out recently when I was trying to get together with friends for brunch prior to my being away for almost two weeks, the majority of friends cancelled and one invited me to join in on plans he already had. I, in the meantime was able to create alternate plans with a friend from work to get together that day instead. One of the original people that were asked pointed out that I had asked people to get together and when all but one responds I go forward and make other plans. Now I have been questioning myself for the week already and work has been driving me to the edge that I responded with what I know is true. "apparently I am a horrible person that fails at friendships and at life and will need to work more to improve myself as a person as a whole. I apologize"

This little challenge only brought to light to what I had already been contemplating.



Like any great royalty or leader, either cosmic or Earth bound I work a lot of image control. What you see, what you hear is the propaganda that wish you to. People that think I am reserved, that in glimpses they see my true self and that is true. The walls, barriers, moats and other obstacles that I have created are there in place not only to keep you out but to keep my true self in.

I've often talked about the rage that exists within, the anger, the vengeance that seeks out weakness in others and looks to extort it. Drinking in the joy, the pleasure and rapture that I receive in humiliating, degrading and destroying their spirits. But for the part that evil has been contained.



But there is another evil that I generally do not look to face, an evil inherited from both my parents, from living in an emotional absent household, from living in a household full of material indulgence but true love and affection was not shown. From living in a family where still today my mother resents the adoration my father shines upon me from a distant, resents that I have numerous friends and social connections and have many people who will stop and talk to me or give her greeting to send to me in the office that we work in.

The mentally and emotionally abused self that seeks out attention and love without reprisal. But in doing so I seem to cause more damage then good.

Is this what people see, the damaged soul, desperately seeking something better and fearing what it will bring? The amount of time and energy, the pressures they will be under to help nurture that soul? Or is it that no matter how great or grand my show is the darkness within so great that I cannot hide it? A darkness that I'm not sure I can repair or more likely am unwilling to face, for the memories that I need to face are ones that I have been hiding from for years.



Uploaded with ImageShack.us