Vodka for Drag Queens

So I saw Water for Elephants last night. A book turned into a movie that I had previously thought about reading but never took it to the next level to read.

To talent and illusion, this is a line from the movie "Water for Elephants" and in the context of that moment and the context of my life, it's brilliant. What is life if not an illusion and how else do we get through it but with talent.

I often wonder to myself if I am in the proper career, not because I can't do it but because when I'm told I'm at my best is when I'm staged. The time in front of people, in front of customers, providing them customer service, giving them the show. In my history I am good at what I do, not to sound arrogant but when I am tasked to do something and interested in it, I do it well.

Illusion and talent is survival, maybe not for all people but certain ones yes. I wonder how much of my life is talent and how much is illusion. Like I said previously in the jobs I've had I've always done it well, meeting requirements or excelling at them. I guess this comes to question now because I am no longer interested in excelling at my job, I only want to meet requirements to retain/hold onto that employment and the money I get from it. In my current state of unrest I'm questioning my own ability and worth and although I've done it before it's all the greater now.



In recent weeks, which I should admit at least two have passed since I began writing this blog my mind has gone about and thrown me some curve balls. I know I'm on a path of finding myself, becoming the person I am truly suppose to be but being the truest journey I've taken yet, it is also the hardest.

My mind in recent nights has taken a dark turn on itself, giving me nightmares of impossible survival, the fight for life against supernatural challenges. I know this is a struggle of the things weighing in on my mind and how I am delaying with them, i.e. ignoring and pushing them down or acknowledging and trying to resolve them.

Ultimately I need to face these matters head on and work to resolve them. I need to become my own ring master and call the shots in my life. To stop living for others and do what I need to do to be happy.



I need to stop being fearful and move forward with me life. I've blogged before that the people that are true in your life will always remain and I need to remember that and I need to remember that I am a survivor, wherever or whoever I am I will survive. The one thing that I have allowed to happen is complacency with the par and holding a large amount of comfort in that. When I was younger and in a different city, making less money then I make now I got by, not just because I had to but because I could.

It is time to own my own life, to raise the big top, to lead the parade "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the greatest show on Earth".......