History Repeating

".. and I've seen it before
.. and I'll see it again
.. yes I've seen it before
.. just little bits of history repeating"

I've in advertantly reviewed some of my previous blogs and noticed a trend, some thoughts, emotions, concerns, fears that seem to repeat themselves.

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it"

It hit me earlier today while in the shower and then again while at the laundry mat. In the shower I realized that I am terrified of rejection, so much so that my defeansive measure is an offensive attack. The moment I feel that I am being rejected, in any form I become a predator, seeking an attack on the person that is, will be or maybe not even rejecting me at all.
My other moment of self awareness was how much financial instability upsets me and puts me off balance.

So what have I not learned? Well obviously not how to make myself financially stable and the other one, I haven't learned to deal with rejection any better, and in rejecting myself so deeply I've become always on the attack.




I think the largest piece of the puzzle is the rejection of myself, in doing that and putting myself in such an aggitated state I have become very irrtable.



I must deal with my emotions better, control my actions more but most of all I need to vocalize what is going on, not just bottle it up and that might be one of the first conversations that I have this weekend depending on how things start up.

Honesty with myself will be important, honesty with other will be just as important as all beings at least deserve that respect, myself included.

"The truth is not for all men, but only for those who seek it." ~ Ayn Rand