What am I, if not an Illusion?

When should I just accept my fate? When do I accept what life has let me experience and accept the fact that you cannot escape your past? When do I accept that you cannot shape your future?

"
What you don't know won't hurt you,
Maybe the lies are true,
Try to remember, try to forget,
Those yesterdays bleeding through."

My current ring tone and the lyrics from Jonatha Brooke's "What You Don't Know?" which is the theme song from the series Dollhouse. One of my favorite lines by it's star, Eliza Dushku is "I'm not broken" as they refer to their actives as Dolls.



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This past weekend was Buffalo Pride and I unfortunately have to say that I was not in the the most Pride-ish of moods and my friends, being as great as they are dealt with it. Since originally beginning this blog post I've been able to realize that I do not have to be stuck in stereotypes or limited by the lifestyle and sound enough there was a radio article caught my attention.

Message For Transgender Kids From One Who's Been There: You Matter

As well as Janet Mock's interview with Michelle Martin of Tell Me More.

Ms. Mock is a beautiful, successful woman, working in the everyday world and being able to live under the radar. If she can do it, so can I.

Psychologically I've been evolving but I haven't taken the time or consideration to grow or develop my physical self and now i am caught in the cross hairs of who I am, who I was and who I want to be. Mentally I am where I want to be but physically I am disgusted with myself and what I have allowed myself to become. This disgust is growing into misery and this misery is growing into self destruction or destruction in general as I usually seek to take out anger or frustration on others.


"I can't fight it, not every second of every day, never slipping, not even for an instant." ~ Jean Grey

This hatered and disgust has been allowed to bubble up and erupt in the past, but I have now since learned to be aware of it and surpress it.

But the time has come for the source of this anger and frustation to be brought to an end. All the energy I could have taken and put towards this change I have bundled up and wrapped myself in a cocoon, a blinding shell that I have disabled myself with. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start?