The Show Must Go On

"Another hero. Another mindless crime., Behind the curtain, in the pantomime., On and on, Does anybody know, What we are living for, Whatever happens, We leave it all to chance, Another heartache, Another failed romance, On and on, Does anybody know, What we are living for.......The show must go on, The show must go on, Outside the dawn is breaking, On the stage that holds, Our final destiny, The show must go on, The show must go on...."

I've never been good with emotions, especially the expression of them from myself. For a long time I only expressed the dark ones under the mood/persona of the Sovereign of Silence. Since those dark days I have become a lighter and happier person but still have trouble with emotions.

Oh last night decided to become a doozy. I've been feeling a bit down lately already, mostly through my own over analysis of things and sinking into the murky depths. So last night moving through the faces of a friend's birthday and a much loved movie I get a random text from my friend Randy. "ho ho ho" So i joking reply "I know you are lol". Now I should mention I am having troubles with my phone and the volume isn't on so I hear no alerts or rings. Twenty minutes later I get another message with his full name followed by "r.i.p.". I replied by possible two text messages and a call. Something stroked fear in me, I've been through now what I remembered one suicide attempt before and one suicide by friends in my life. So I'm not sure if it's because I know him well enough or just the emotional experience I had this last time when my friend Tom passed.

I took Tom's passing very hard and at the same time am not entirely sure why. The complexities of my emotional state. After the call last night, in a matter of knowing there was nothing further I could do (I should note that Randy lives in Rhode Island) He is bipolar which is apparently I have an attraction to knowing people of that nature. But I've never seen him get that low. Randy and I become friends after a one night encounter via meeting online, coming over, getting down to business and moving on. I should also mention he was almost my first, but that cherry was saved that night and given away another night which probably should be discussed at some point.

After moving away from RI he and I lost touch until a few years ago when I went looking for him in the gay RI room on AOL, I messaged a random person that lived in his hometown and found it to be him. Since then we've reconnected, talked on the phone and text.

He was still on my mind this morning, but not being ridiculous I waited till mid morning and made another call and left another message. I got a text reply back moments later from his friend letting me know of his attempt and hospitalization.

I guess I'm lucky that I've had to only live through now 2 suicide attempts and one accomplished from the people I know. I'm not sure what the average is for a person to experience such an event in their lives. But it's not fun.

When I got the message confirming my fear I was alone, which was better for me. I hate the display of emotions and have difficulty expressing them when others are around and incidentally when I'm alone as well. Generally tears will begin but shortly fade as I pull myself together and fall back apart and this occasion was no different. Driving to my mother's house this morning I began sobbing in the car, put on the attached song to help me pull it together so she would not know. With the last death in my life, the last suicide she did not seem concerned or addressed the matter with me. I had lost a friend/coworker and she did little more then "oh".

"Inside my heart is breaking, My makeup may be flaking, But my smile still stays on, The show must go on, The show must go on, I'll top the bill, I'll earn the kill, I have to find the will to carry, On with the, On with the, On with the show....On with the SHOW!, On with the SHOW!"

Generally my emotions are kept to myself. I know there are points and times where it shows that I am not myself and when asked I generally brush it off as most people are that nearly interested or concerned with my own thoughts as they would like to pretend to be.

I know I've said it before in previous blogs, the show must go on. Brush it off, keep that smile on. The world has bigger problems then mine, people have their own problems, they don't need mine and what's the point. Most of my concerns and futile, insignificant.

A great quote I got from one of my favorite shows, Sanctuary is as follows.

"I recognize the emotion for what it is, an irrational self-destructive impulse which is disguised as joy" Nikola Tesla on Love

However this quote works not just for the emotion of love, but for all of them.