Express Yourself

So I just had a conversation with an old friend, a person that I've know since maybe elementary school and they said something profound to me. One amazing thing about speaking with someone that has known you for a long period of time is that they know you. They know you before the changes, the colors, the cloths, the work and they can say the simplest thing that makes you realize something you never thought of before because you focus so much on the current and recent past.

My friend Sama said in not so plane words "Find your art". Now Sama has known me for a long period of time and we were able to reconnect via Facebook. However Sama has known me before the whole self awareness/self identify period. Before the time when we all try to become "ourselves" and define our identities by dress, style, expression and more.

In my youth I was a very artistic person. I played imaginary games, sang in chorus, played the violin and drew all the time. I event recall a friend being envious one time because my stick figures were better then his.


This conversation made me realize one thing, well others as well but one big thing. Outside of my need to express my gender I've stopped the artistic expression of myself all together. I no longer sing (however that maybe good because I think I've lost my voice), I no longer draw, I no longer play a musical instrument (queue skin flute jokes), I no longer craft and I no longer volunteer and I no longer do drag.

I no longer do what had come so naturally to me, I no longer do my art.



In my current existence I've become so much wrapped up in success that I've lost touch with doing art for expression and pleasure. I've lost touch with how to make myself a success with things that I gain joy from opposed to running in the rat race with everyone else.



Life has become so equated with success that you give up all you have for it. Marriages fall apart, relationships with all persons become strained. Your life day and night becomes success. I should have known this transformation had taken place when you think about strategic career planning after hours, business plans, road maps, federally governed policies, etc. When my focus turned towards unnecessarily complicated matters and away from life I should have known.

Sitting in a Panera (in the burbs) I walked in to a group of 4 guys. I am not sure what there age is, they are what we would see in movies and read in books the essential geek. To quote Volcano Todd from an unrelated post, these boys appear to be "lunatic fanboys". People who I am sure are very nice, decent people however would get a second look at from society and shunned in certain circles.

But "get it gurl" they are doing exactly what they love and are happy with what they are doing. So I don't understand the need for six sided die how that it determines how many sword strikes are taken or what magic spell I can cast or how powerful Pikachu's lighting strike is.

So what am I doing? Am I too caught up in the game to withdrawn now? "Know when to hold them, know when to fold them?"

When are we all in and have gone to far? Life has always been about survival, from when our ancestors climbed out of the swamps, when they climbed down from the trees and walked on two legs to know. Only in our advancements have we changed the game of survival. It is no longer about feeding yourself and your family it is about making the most money, paying the bills, building a profession.

This weekend was the Elmwood Avenue Festival of the Arts, the second of two major art festivals we have here in Buffalo. This festival I like to consider the more organic of the two festival as it is filled more crafts, jewelery, potteries and more. It has a vegetarian food area and one stand even runs on solar power. Our first art festival is the Allentown Art Festival, much bigger and more well known the the Elmwood you are more likely to find suburban fairs as I call it, meaning paintings of windmills, fields, forests with little wishing wells, etc.

I love going to the types of event and I've finally picked up my "Buffalo" sign made my a local artist out of photo graphs of different architectural gems of the city. I've been wanting one for a long period of time, a friend of mine has one of her own and so with just a little extra cash that I had I decided it was time to purchase one.

These are the things in life that make me happy. Going places, doing things, taking little adventures, spending money. Just being out there in the world. One major thing that I did yesterday was walk around everywhere.

Since I am blocks from the festival I decided not to move my car and lose my parking. So I walked to Tim Hortons for coffee, came home and sat on the porch. I walked over to the festival, walked the entire festival and then came home. I walked out to a local restaurant, ate lunch BY MYSELF (big deal) and came home. A lot of walking is good for me in general however doing all those things by myself are even bigger.

For being an out and eccentric person I am actually pretty shy and reserved which is actually pretty typical from what I hear about most performers. The personas we put on are meant to protect ourselves.

But no matter what the brave face I may have on I don't do well with being out in public alone. My mind goes wild with what other people are thinking about me, harsh thoughts, judgements and more. So taking the time to walk around my neighborhood to grab lunch, see a festival, whatever are big steps for me and are being taken because I feel in part that this is the direction my life is taking.

I approach the big 3-0 and at the age of twenty nine I have never been in a relationship, I've never been on a date and I've never been in love. Am I meant to be alone, always? That might be dier situation however I need to accept and over come my fear of being alone.