Charlatan

"Surely nobody would be a charlatan, who could afford to be sincere."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Are we all charlatans in some respect? We all gain a little bit of knowledge. We all carry around little soap boxes and spew out data, facts, idea and more about any array of topics that we care about.

My thoughts like to wrap around this concept as well, am I a charlatan, an impostor, a fake, a pretender or sham? Do I attempt to live a life that I truly am not designed for?

Earlier today I had the thought "I was made to be a kept woman, but it isn't happening in this life." A recent midnight fling, a (drunken) emotional breakdown over a man and having a crush the realm of the heart is disrupted. Actually both the heart and mind are in flux.

One major thing that I hate is letting anyone have control over me, especially a man and more then anything else in the world I hate myself for letting it happen. Which is something that I've done. Within this year I started attending LGBT Professional Mixers put on by our local Pride Center . During one of these events I unassumingly meet a man that I eventually befriended on Facebook and expectantly ran into him one night. Unbeknownst to me I rushed over in what appeared like much more a lust full charge (LOL). Since then my work has really kept me away from those events and that person.

In recent weeks I've become a little more determined and actually focusing on achieving the wanted results. Especially since this is a person that I could potentially achieve and not unavailable for obvious reasons. So with that intent I've taken to FB chat, showed up at his shows (he's a singer) and with the biggest leap invited him out.
The invite out initially seemed to fail as they all do then I got the message that he and someone else were going to show up. Now I have seen these two together before but thought nothing of it. Friends, ya know. However this night upon being created there was a scent upon his breath, something that smelled like sex. This immediately caught my guard but in pursuit I thought to put that fear aside (I was over thinking it) and said maybe it's cheap cigarettes. So the night progressed with some conversation however I think that I being with a friend made it appear that I was with someone. But the effort to draw in conversation in my own respect was more effort that should be needed but at the same time I thought well, this is first attempt.

Well of course drinking continued and the group ends up at the late bar. In the excess of booze and just being observant I swear I saw an intimate moment between my target and his friend. Being the end of the night, mind and emotions stretched I ended up beginning to cry in my friends car, crying my way up to the apartment and crying in my room.



I am not proud of this moment and I know what of the thoughts that kept running through my mind was "why does this always fail?", over and over again. So why does this always fail? Is it because I am a charlatan when it comes to love? Am I not meant to be a housewife and was I meant to be a lady of the night? A mistress, a fantasy?

What am I? What is my purpose? Why can't anyone just like me? (These last questions are a little dramatic but damn it I want to be.)