Failures

Recently my travels took me to Boise, ID. During my travels I laid over in Chicago between two lay overs for about four hours. While I was there, in our terminal there was a brachiosaurus skeleton on display with a museum store next to it. While shopping the store I was looking at a new Native goods and then there was an ornament of a tyrannosaurus rex skeleton, very cute so I purchased it.



I've always been fascinated by dinosaurs and have always been fond of sauropods. It's amusing, ever since being a child I've always been fond of tall things, dinosaurs and my men.

Well ever since I was a little child I wanted to be a paleontologist however as I grew older I never took the steps to grow into that field. However my interest has never drifted. Within the last several years during an art festival my mother purchased for me a large wall piece of a tyrannosaurus skeleton, sculpted in steel. A few years later the show Walking With Dinosaurs came to Buffalo, a series that I have seen on TV and an amazing live show where a paleontologist walks you through the different eras with large, life size mechanical dinosaurs coming out in display.

Well in recent light of everything I've come to my breaking point. Tonight while sitting on the porch on what was an attempted departure to obtain food I just sat and took in the night world of my neighborhood. The cars looking for parking, the crickets singing in the night, the couples walking their dog....and there sitting on the stoop it cracked. I wanted to cry.



I am unfairly vicious, I am unfairly cruel. One thing more then anything else I seek to be vulnerable to someone. I want someone to be open and honest with, to share my heart with and to be told "everything is going to be alright". It's not that I don't know everything will be alright, I always seem to manage, always make it happen. But I've come to a point where with no close family connections, no best friend, no other I am alone in my thoughts, ideas and fears.

For all this desire, this want and need to be connected to another person the moment something comes to head I usually lash out. Defenses of all manners come to surface and I shut down. In this retreat I often feel that the attempt won't be worth it, the other person isn't really that interested in it and are just acting out their role and trying to appease me. I also feel that in my release I will be too intense and frame myself in a negative frame.



Is that not a negative frame it self? Who am I to judge my friend's intention, how loyal am I if I am questioning their actions? Am I not a bad friend myself in that respect?

Have I failed in all aspects of life? I am not living as who I feel I am, I am not in a career of any actual interest, I live check to check (like most Americans), I can't connect to family, friends and I can't date. So what am I good at?

I'm good at being a tease, a desire, I'm good at being malicious, ruthless to get what practical means. I'm a whore trying to live the life of a princess.



I'm a person living out of rank I should say, we like to think we live in a world without classes or caste but we do. Racial, socioeconomic, it's all there. Types and breeds of people, unspoken of but still acted out by all on a daily basis. This is what people from shopping at certain stores, going to certain places and trying to resolve certain matters. This is why married men and "straight acting" are on gay cruising sites because of socitial divides.

When does the failure stop and when do I succeed?