Raging Waters

"But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know?
Where do I go from here?"

~ Pocahontas

All these weeks, all this time is leading up to my break away. I've been seeking a washing, a baptismal, a surge of some force washing away my life and the things that lay strewn upon my shore.

So what do I do? Am I suppose to move on? Is this a physical, mental, emotional wave that I'm expecting? Do I get up and leave all behind like a shore rushing back into the ocean? Is that just abandoning myself and the situation all together?

Have I already abandoned myself? I recently purchased the documentary Two Spirit, a Native term I've heard before and have been described as before. The majority of the film is based upon the brutal slaying of a two spirited person in a small town with explanations and statements about the Native beliefs of two spirited people. Two Spirit, per wikipedia means

"The mixed gender roles encompassed by the term historically included wearing the clothing and performing the work associated with both men and women."

Am I so lost because I am not truly accepting who I am? I've discussed myself amongst certain friends however I am not living it and maybe my spirit(s) are suffering? Just because I am discussing it does not mean that I have come to embrace it either. In one respect I must be weak, I know others that have come to terms with themselves and yet here I remain unable to do so.

I spent a part of my morning with my mother, what use to be frequent trips to the farmer's market has become sparse because I am usually on the road. However today's little journey enforced one major reason I contain myself while living here in Buffalo, my family.

I've written before about how minimal and sometimes uncomfortable our family events can be. For the most part I feel like an outside and have attributed that to being much younger than my siblings and of course my unspoken lifestyle. I am truly at a different place in my life then they are. My siblings for the most part are in committed relationships with children that have begun graduating high school. One of my nieces has even begun a family of her own.

In reality I'm left standing at the edge of the waters, their forces crashing upon the ridge before me. It comes to a matter of my choice. As I approach the age of thirty I am not getting any younger and after the age of eighteen you should really not live your life by the rules of any other.

So what do I do? How do I remove the fear, the worry to take the leap and let the waters of life, the waters of change wash upon me? How do I find self love and acceptance of my situation? How do I take on that change? I've had enough judgement from my family, enough harsh words and criticism. But how could I expect to achieve true happiness, true life, true fulfillment without having to go through any struggles to achieve them. The African Americans fought, rallied, stood up for their lives and equality and faced many harsh attacks and still do and in this current day the LGBT community faces discrimination as we seek equality in various ways. The most unique thing about this struggle is that it impacts all genders, all races. This is a struggle in an ideological sense, a struggle that all people have faced at one time or another and have achieved varied results in.

In this writing I haven't become any clearer on what I must do. I've only written what is happening in my life and where I currently am in it. Maybe a need to be more open with both family and friends, to discuss this journey that I must take. To change my life in every format that I've known and worked in for the last twenty nine years and that is truly scary. To seperate one's self from the world that they've know is an incredibable measure of strenght, a measure to which I have not prepared myself to take. In all of my work, throughout my journey I have not taken the steps I've needed to prepare myself for this and so I know what I must do just not how to do it.

Two Spirit is an amazing documentary that aired on PBS via Independent Lens. Below I've included both the trailer from the film and a link to the film's page. After seeing it's original airing on my local PBS (WNED) station I've gone ahead and purchase the program. This is a valuable education tool for the native communities as well as the LGBT. If you are not wanting to purchase this film please visit Netflix, or any other rental place and watch this documentary. It will bring elightenment to you and your loved ones.




You may purchase this film at Two Spirits.