Poison in the Pond

A recent soiree into the field of romance has turned out as expected, in nothing. In Charlatan I wrote about this attempted pursuit. Recently due to the magic of Facebook stream my thoughts from that night were confirmed. I am not sure if the exact person was the person that aided in those thoughts however the situation is confirmed, "in a relationship".

This always brings me back to a few thoughts, "what's wrong with me?, am I that damaged?, am I that ugly (either physical or internal)" and the list goes on? Maybe it's because I'm not as open or engaging of a person when I'm behind the protective shell of Sushia.

Within about two weeks I have the first ever Buffalo Drag Brunch coming up. This is a project that I have been slowly working on for a year. It started with an idea that I had a few years ago to bring a drag brunch to Buffalo after attending a few drag brunches there. After meeting with a new friend Richard, a fellow LGBT professional and Pride Center of WNY board member. He absolutely loved the idea and thought it would be a great a fundraiser for the Pride Center of Western New York. So after meeting with the Executive Director Jorian I worked with local performers, asked a few restaurants and finally got one to take on this venture.

So here we are, almost a week and a half before the brunch and I am nervous as hell!!!!!!! I think one of my biggest fears is that I am not as good as I use to be, as glamorous or beautiful as I was once was and will now only look like a DUDE in a wig walking around like she trying to be something she isn't.

Am I a has been?

Recently while flying through Detroit on my way to Memphis for work I had a two hour layover so aside from walking the entire airport from one terminal to the next I made a stop in one of the many gift shops and ran across the Watchover VooDoo Dolls. I spent along time looking at the rack, kept spinning it around and around, unsure of which one I wanted. The conversation that I had with my friend Lisa about her being in Boston, MA and if I needed any magical items in my life. At that I had not been drawn to anything however I had now been drawn to these so I had to take a moment and feel what I was being called to.

The first doll that I picked up was the Mermaid, mostly because of her cuteness and resemblance to Sushia but I kept reviewing over what the doll meant.



As I boarded the plane, I've spent the last two and a half hours in an airport by myself and now a two hour flight to Memphis on my flight alone, in a row all by myself. I was thinking about the dread of going into work, the joy of traveling for myself and thinking back to my conversation with GL and I said to myself "I am Sushia". So I think the choice of this doll, not just in resemblance to my alter ego but what I need, protection in my confidence in "land, sea and air" is truly a need.

While in Memphis I got the following fortune cookie and I think combined with my Voodoo Mermaid and my thought on the plane it has all become a sign.



I am SUSHIA! (now mind you my mental picture is Jean Grey flying out of the water as Phoenix)



I need to get over these fears, the hold backs, emerge again and let the energy flow, see and feel the energy and spirit that my friends see in me and see it myself and love and care for it as they do for me.