More and more I have been feeling out of place and having a lack of interest in things that I do on a daily basis. Although I do my profession well I have said many times "I am not a banker." but through job security, steady hours, fair pay I have stayed for about 7 years. I have however felt no more out of place then I did last night at the LGBT Professional Mixer.
Out of place among business people and out of place among some friends. I was just asking myself "where did the innocent child of my youth go?" but then for a moment I said to myself there was never an innocent child of my youth, from bits and pieces of memories that come back and from tid bits that my sister has told me in the past my childhood was anything but Innocent. The hard shell that I developed is a result of those experiences.
So with such an early loss of innocence and a later loss of naivety what have I become or what did I unleash should I say? Did I morph myself into something that I was not and am now stained with the scent of those actions past or did I really just unleash what I truly was and am now trying to hide it?
I'm a fake, I'm a whore trying to be a wife, a slut trying to be a lady, a courtesan trying to be a queen, a pauper trying to hang with princes. With a fair amount of skill and grace I have been able to keep the this guise, charm people and make friends but with all great masquerades the mask eventually comes off either by choice or it just falls.
I'm an illusion that is trying to last to long, when will my veil fall? When will I rip this veil off?
*****************************Written 2/11/2011***************************************
In the previous write of this blog, which it has now been partially rewritten from this point forward I had asked myself "Is it just time to tighten the mask strings?" but that is a silly question. Even sillier would be to ask if I should "just let the mask fall." Of course I am going to tighten the strings damn it, all is well, the show must go on.
And so the harden shell grows another layer.
I am not of a financial mind and have had a large financial mishap within the last two days, my mother getting connected to this mishap does as she always does. Slash and cut first then try to heal wounds later.
This reminds me of the lesson that I always try to ignore, the ones closest to us hurt us the deepest and reminds me how foolish the actions that I take are. I moved to North Tonawanda to go back to school but have not done that yet, I've taken a job that I do like for a company I don't believe in. I moved to North Tonawanda to cheapen my living expenses and to take care of bills, all I have done is become more foolish with my money.
I need to take what actions are necessary for the rest of my life, although the edge of 30 is still young I am also no child of my youth.
*****************************Written 2/12/2011***************************************
Today walking around the Powder Keg Festival with friends with very little money in my pocket made realize the con must go on. Is it really a con however, I am just a poor kid with financial mismanagement, having friends that make more money then I do and have much better financial skills.
It might be a con in a certain respect as certain friends or all my friends in general may think that I am better off then I am. Not because I flaunt money but just how I treat and respect money in general and being a private person I do not share all my flaws or abilities with all my friends or any of my friends truly. This blog might be the truest expression of self which only a few people have been made aware of.
So this is my life, still on the brink of something new, still on the brink of something old, lost in transition and discovery. Hoping that tomorrow holds a brighter future.
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