Skin Deep

Is 2011 the year of love? Who knows, I don't often see fortune tellers but maybe I should, or a matchmaker or match.com. Well I have been on match.com and other sources to meet the lucky one and one repeating issues that occurs again and again is that no one seems to like me, or like me back. I've frequently thought about making a profile and calling my handle "NobodysHotList" because it seems that no one is ever interested in me.

Some people may find that hard to believe, looking at my main pic I appear to be catch, a stunning exotic beauty (and very humble LOL). But it seems that in life no one ever seems to like me. I have no suitors and have never been courted. I have been seduced but as I've blogged of previously I generally believe that this is because I am a dream, a fetish, a desire. These men have no interest further then the one night conquest.
I sometimes wonder why that might be, I often and probably under societal pressure assume it's because I am a plus size girl and although once you fat pussy you never go back I think sometimes it's too much, I think and have been told that I have a great personality so I often wonder is it really just my image.

I do what every girl does, try to eat better and am working with a personal trainer but in the back of my mind I have a small fear. Even if I all lose all the weight I can and become a slender beauty will people not want me? Is my beauty only skin deep?

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone" ~ Dorothy Parker



Am I ugly to the core?

I have a history of liking men that don't like me back. It seems to be my number one habit. I've been told that is because I want it to be safe, if you don't like someone that wants you then you can't get hurt and I've thought about that over and over and have worked on that over and over but just the other night it hit me. No one has ever like me, I should make an amended statement. I think there once was a boy that liked me, but it was an online chat thing and I was asked on a date that I initially agreed too then backed out of because I did not want someone to pay entirely for my meal, after further conversations and such it never progressed when I realized that he was not an intellectual match for me.

Maybe that was my one and only chance at love and being loved. Maybe from that point forward is lonely nights and one night stands. Maybe this is the ultimate attack, the emotional homicide as I call it, that I like to perform on myself periodically and have done so for many years. The little and not so little cuts that I like to dig out from my own heart, feel the heart strings tear from the proverbial heart.



Am I trying to hurt myself to the emotional core? Deaden my insides to allow myself live in the loneliness unfazed. Maybe I should just stop caring and face the reality of it, I am not a lovable person. Do I have more courage admitting that fact then denying it? Do I allow myself to live in a world of empty pleasures?

Maybe I'm a creature of the night. They have to still exist, in those "shady" parts of town, in a realm where "average Americans" dare not tred however sometimes desire to. Hell I use to live that lifestyle before so why not again. Maybe I'm denying everything in my life, pretending to be something that I'm not like Satine in Moulin Rouge or maybe not.



All we can do it hope.