In one part I feel that Buffalo is a bitter, jaded community that is full of self loathing/self important people but at the same time we are the "City of Good Neighbors" and when in a moment of crisis we aid each other.
I'm currently in a bitter place, I'm not as dark as I once was, seeking "world destruction" but I am in that phase, where I have been previously that I feel alone, unloved and abandoned. I've blogged before about the relationship with my parents and the lack of a "best friend" and the desire for a "hero" and I know I can be my own hero and champion but you can't be your own confidant. You can't tell yourself your deepest darkest secrets, you can't give yourself feedback on your thoughts or hopes. Well you can, but that would require multiple personality disorder and I don't want that.
Unless you are a Sailor Moon fan you won't get the "Black Lady/Wicked Lady" image reference. She is Sailor Moon's daughter from a future timeline that is manipulated to believe that no one loves her and her only friend is a toy called Luna P.
When in a darker mood of feeling alone, unloved, abadnoned and wondering about the friendships that you have I connect with her. I'm not going to try to "destroy" these people (anymore). But it fuels the fires as to why do I have these people in my life at all?
When in a more "normal" state, or the everyday state I connect to "Sailor Pluto" the guardian of the Gate of Time who is often distant and faces the greater world with the understand that all things happen for a reason.
For the most part I feel that I have, I don't want to say greater understanding but I feel like I have an understanding of things that happen. I do feel that all things happen for a reason, it is the flow of the natural world order.
I often distance myself from all things and move in closer for observance when intriqued, gather my data to build my conclusion and move forward. I think that is one of the problems, I generally don't live in the moment but observe it. I think a few would counter being me, an in the spot light persona how can that I be. But I think if you've ever dealt with me in person that are very obvious points that I mentally withdraw from the occasion or physically withdraw to outer limits to observe the crowd.
However in an overall sense that could be the greater problem because as an observer, not a particapant you are not close or connected to those people enough for any real connection. I've also blogged before that I only tell people certain things and won't even blog about certain things or if I do, will do so in a vague manner. So maybe it's a matter of trust.
Looking at an FB album today made me realize that my life is borderline fantasy. I've said before that I live in reality and gayality. Gayality is the world of rainbows and fairies, aka homosexuals. It was for a community black tie award, which is great in general but what happens there would never happen in a heterosexual world. Drag Queens, Drag Kings, song and dance, glitter and rhinestones and but once the club door closes that is over.
Maybe it's me over analyzing this, maybe I need to take the moment as our moments of fun, that as adults we get to dress up and enjoy ourselves. Looking too much into a community that allows me the opportunity to be involved in a different manner then what the world at large allows.
Trust in myself, Trust in the community, Trust in my friends....maybe that should have been a resolution.
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