Crush

It's interesting to say that I have a "crush" or "I'm crushing one someone" because in all reality to "crush" is to destroy. Maybe it's because we destroy ourselves in the non pursuit of the one that we like.

In watching Black Swan tonight with my friends it made realize my own inner seduction of the dark side, the romance, intrigue and pleasure of it.

I have a tendency to crush myself a lot, and not crush on but crush on, stomp out and destroy and in doing so crush the people around me. Like Elizabeth I, I work to hold my reputation before my heart and will not let myself be ruled by any man.

"I would rather be a beggar and single than a queen and married." ~ Elizabeth I

At what cost did those come to her, at what cost did this come to myself? The cost maybe nominal as I discussed in a previous blog since I feel that no one is interested in me what sort of sacrifice am I making? Maybe it's more of a preparedness, the art of avoidance. Since no one likes me, but I do like others I can work to avoid my own heart ache.

Funny enough this past weekend I had a dream about my high school crush, running into somewhere in the present and having to talk with him. The next morning his face popped up in my FB status stream, my friend request still unanswered. 6 years of hanging onto his every word, 6 years of yearning adoring looks, 6 years leading up to my emotional breakdown and an unanswered letter confessing my passion towards him. I didn't expect a love letter back, but I had hoped for at least a "we are passed this, let's be friends".

My 2nd largest crush I had a better relationship with, we were roommates but had a weird relationship that allowed us to be very close, sleeping together in the same bed very closely. This was a misdirected4d and misunderstood connection that eventually lead to a heart ache but now a friendship.

These are experiences that I do not wish to feel again so since those mistakes, when an interest peaks I may play into the feelings for a period of time but will quickly work to destroy such passions and let my heart feel cold.

Have you ever felt your proverbial heart break? It's not a good feeling. It's a pain that is both physical and mental and for me is like an epicenter that starts in the chest and moves out. Only allowing a few tears to fall as I would not shed tears for something so pitiful.
The pain however great is best self inflicted opposed to being inflicted by another.

Right now I seem to be surrounded by love or lust or whatever the heck you want to call it. 4 people that are close in my life are talking to, seeing or engaged to someone. So love is being thrown in my face, not purposefully by my friends but by the universe.
Maybe it's trying to break my current thought process on love and relationships, trying to break the patterns that have formed in my brain as I look to analyze and understand it. But at the same time it's throwing something in my face that only makes me more bitter.

"I, too, can command the wind, sir! I have a hurricane in me that will strip Spain bare when you dare to try me!" ~ Elizabeth I (The Golden Age)

I maybe able to call upon the hurricane winds but I am tired of fighting the battle, how much more must I fight unreturned emotions before I can stop their feeling all together?



" I recognize the emotion for what it is, an irrational self-destructive impulse which is disguised as joy" ~ Nikola Tesla on Love (Sanctuary)