RE: All By Myself

So this is a continuation of my previous blog RE:Courage. It hit me today while making a run to Target for a little self indulgence. Almost breaking into tears while driving, mind you holiday music was playing, not the above listed tune.

I think that one of my underlying cries in I Need a Hero is that I do not want to be alone. This comes in connection with the need for courage as it is easier and safer to be alone. One of the true courages in the world is to have the courage to open your heart and life to another person.

I should stop to take a moment to say that not being alone is not just the romantic sense, it's alone in all aspects. I often find myself doing menial things on my own. Like my drive to Target. It's the holidays, there is a light snow fall in the air, a crisp cold wind and house outlined in lights with sparkling trees in the windows. Mostly happy homes, happy couples, happy (for the most part) people together.

I did something last night that I haven't done for a bit, I went out by myself. A friend of mine sent out information about the Buffalo Gay Men's Chorus performing at the Albright Knox Art Gallery prior to the Gallery's tree lighting. With no one interested in attending and I wanting to see the event went by myself. I generally don't venture into public events by myself due to social anxiety, which in a way is ironic as being a drag queen I love attention.
I ended up not being completely alone, someone else I know sings in the choir so I was able to sit with his partner. Still being newish with these people it's not like I can say we are besties but it was nice to sit with a friendly face and enjoy the holiday performance. I lost his partner while he was trying to figure out what to do as I continue right alone to the tree lighting area and once complete I quietly exited the gallery to meet up with some friends for a movie.

Volcano Todd has pointed out "you have no reason to doubt yourself. Your friends believe in you and always will." This makes me realize that I don't value my friends enough, they were kind enough to invite me to a movie and I am not kind enough in return. It has been pointed out that at times I do not complete the cordial introductions after a few minutes of quick conversation. I do not always invite someone to an event or will pick and choose my person to a particular event based upon my experiences with them and how they will interact during the event. Does my bias mean that I devalue them? Do I dishonor their friendship? Do I not value them or believe in them as much as they do in me?

How does this tie into being a hero to myself? I'm going to need to have the courage to possibly do it alone. For this next phase that I feel whole heartily that I'm moving into I potentially will lose (an already distant) family and lose friends. A drag queen is fun but a tranny is quixotic, excessive.
I was talking to a new a friend recently about some of my past experience and chocked over the period in my life where I did live as a woman for all but my job because I felt not ashamed but stigmatized. Even within the community that we are a part of we are chastised. I'm an offender, my number one rule is "if you are going to be a woman, look like a woman."

This leads to being more accepting as well. With my own community but of course as typical the judgment I cast is based upon the judgment I feel I receive. I think much of that judgment will be dropped once I am more accepting of my own nature.