RE: Champion

Almost exactly ten years ago, a man told me, “You cannot be a hero to others until you are a hero to yourself.” I’d like to modify that slightly and tell you that you cannot be saved by a hero until you are already a hero to yourself.

~Volcano Todd

A hero to myself, a champion. How does one become a hero to themselves and what are the other underlying issues that. Let's take a moment to first define "Hero" per Dictionary.com

–noun, plural -roes; for 5 also -ros.
1.
a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.
3.
the principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.
4.
Classical Mythology .
a.
a being of godlike prowess and beneficence who often came to be honored as a divinity.
b.
(in the Homeric period) a warrior-chieftain of special strength, courage, or ability.
c.
(in later antiquity) an immortal being; demigod.
5.
hero sandwich.
6.
the bread or roll used in making a hero sandwich.

Well first off I am not a sandwich, nor do I want to be one. I do think of myself as a demigod but more importantly "a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities."
I think one of the points that should be highlighted in the above statement is courage. Courage means and requires a lot and courage is not something that I am not in possession of. One reason for this that will also lead into others is that I do not have a strong sense of self worth.

I should stop and take a moment to state that this blog will be the probably the hardest one I have written and will take many instances to move from thought to thought as my own natural defenses will make my mind wander so I do not have to address the actual matter.

In essence and maybe out of context I have taken the words of Volcano Todd as a challenge. Who could probably be described as a modern day hero, a man who has traveled the world and taken on many adventures.
I do not nor expect to take up some of the challenges that he has, I don't have the interest nor stomach to do so. My biggest challenge is how glamorous can I be the next day. However I should be a champion for myself, for my ideals, my goals and my heart. I often think that much of my childhood, which I remember little of was filled with disappointments and a lot of "make ups". Often many a thing that I most set my heart upon were canceled, mostly last minute or forgotten. To be made up at a later time with food or some sort of gift. This behaviour continues today most recently with my desire to attend the Michael Buble' concert. My Mother said we would go to the concert but of course as time passed I actions spoke louder then words and I knew my attendance was out the window like a trapped sparrow.
I blame much of my materialism on this behaviour. I, in my current age and ability obtain anything I desire because if I am the only one that can achieve it. I guess in connection with repeated disappointment and out of their parental nature I was spoiled. So is this the cry of a spoiled brat because they did not get what they want all the time? I don't believe so because my entire personal life has been impacted.
In the past, with people that I find myself attracted to I often give gifts to express my affection, or during holidays and birthdays opposed to spoken affections and hugs a luxurious gift is given, expecting the person to realize my affection is there.
The cycle continues, I guess it could be called parental neglect but that would be to harsh a term, I think it is just the human condition, the parental condition. To want and provide what you feel is best for your child even though it does not apply to that child's desire or goals. This condition continues to this day, being of my late twenties I am attempting to rebuild and set the foundation for my goals. My goals are often unexpressed because when faltered I do not want others to know that I have not achieved them. Often times when expressed to my parents I get two responses. My Father is unresponsive, seeming aloof or uninterested. At times he often has interest but not to be expressed directly to me. My Mother reports that he watches a show that I've talked about or looked into something that I've discussed. When he buys a gift it often ends up geared towards the subject that I had been discussing.
My Mother on the other hand is more often then not judgemental. She wants her baby to become rich and powerful but more often then for her own betterment. To ensure she can live out and retire rich. As she states I have the ability and creativity to become rich but at anytime I express an idea or concept it harshly shut down as being too much, too hard or whatever other reason she can think of to devalue my idea and make me move into a new direction. So more often then not I have stopped expressing my ideas.

This has lead up to what I call "beaten dog syndrome" or even a tamed horse. The once free flowing ideas and powerful creativity is no longer believed in. So how does someone that doesn't believe in themselves or their own ideas become a hero to themselves? What basis does that person have to champion in?

I will say it's not as easy as the movies and stories make it out to be.



You have to start small and you have to build a support system around you that will be there for you when you fall or fail and most importantly you have to believe in yourself. To take and have the courage to do what you want without consequence, without judgment especially from yourself.

I believe I have taken the steps to do as I'm beginning a project that is within one of my future goals and covers many areas of interest, Sushia, Community Service and Event Planning. I don't want to discuss too much now and that is only because of it's infancy, it is too young an idea to discuss that the hype will out grow the idea at this time.

But that is not the only area of my life that I need courage in. I need courage to be me and that seems to the greatest area in my life that I lack courage.
I have always been displaced and I guess my current state only shows this to be true. I've said that I've been feeling disconnected from the world and from myself and maybe because I have finally reached the stage where I need to begin again.
This next phase of my life is a faux pas, not just to the everyday ordinary world of heterosexuals but also to the world homosexual world as well.

It was so much easier the first time around, when life just happened and I just did it. Throughout my life as a child I played with Barbies, My Little Ponies and other such "girl toys" and my parents, I should be grateful enough allowed me to do so. As I grew older in role play stories I always took the roles of heroines like Storm, Rogue and Phoenix.

Throughout my youth I always pretended that I was a girl and I've always described myself acceptance of my sexuality being that since women like men I always thought it was ok that I have as well. So where do I get the courage from here, to become the person that I truly feel that I am but fearful of the consequences that the world will present.
I've done and experienced some of them before. As a transgendered individual, a "TGirl" the world is not your oyster. In the everyday world there is a stigma, in the workplace, shopping, in restaurants and with friends. Everyone says their supportive and they usually are. But with their circle of friends the story typically changes, at parties or public outings it changes. With lovers and love it changes. TGirls are not lovers, TGirls are not wives they are secret affairs, they are one night stands, they are exotic and possessions.

The courage to create one's life a new, a rebirth. I guess like any hero's story this one will have to continue.....