Damn those old memories that come down memory lane, which is now more like a 3 lane highway going in both directions. Old and new memories comes and go, some get lost along the way, some crash and burn, lost forever and some speed in from out of now where, slow down for a steady pace and then race back to the memory bank.
It have to say it's been a good and rough weekend. It was Pride weekend here in Buffalo and I spent this years event with a great group of friends and yet in all this I did not have that Pride spirit.
Memories came surfacing, old thoughts, emotions came to surface, new emotions developed, old longings and wants, new needs that are all part of the person that I am today.
After a rough and not so exciting trick this morning, I am confirmed that I want a loving relationship and any sexual encounter until that point is going to be hollow. To come in and dry to deep sea dive right into Sushia's reef was not good for the business of emotional well balance. I only confirmed that I want something now with connection and if by chance I am not having a meaningful encounter, at least lie to me and let's pretend it is.
However this did reignite a few things, which as listed above, one being old emotions. I did go back to the gym this morning (after the encounter and a shower) and I went into an old memory box, or at least partially. I put a picture of my friends out in my apartment, that is a big step as pretty much prior too I never did that, friends were always temporarily present for me, coming and going like the phases of the moon and sometime in that timespan too. I hope this means that I am truly vested in these friends.
It's interesting as this weekend brought about the old longing of sex but with my current awareness of want I do not want the meaningless encounter for long for the sexual attraction and contact with another. Perplexing.
Obviously I am scattered brain right now, thoughts and flying around and coming to the forefront to only fly away again.
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