The Power

So I've been doing lots and lots of thinking lately, about who I was, where I was and what I was doing. The friends of old, the friends of new/current and it finally hit me, after observing Troy with a hot boy. I've lost my confidence in myself, all confidence. I use to walk around as a transsexual, and there is nothing wrong with doing so, but I had the strength and confidence to walk around Providence, Boston, Newport, etc as a woman, night, day, whatever by myself.
So what happened, it was shortly after I got back into BFLO or is it Buffalo it's self ? It's not even really it Buffalo, it's Me. So what in me makes me hold back in BFLO, is it the family, the history, the chance of running into past mistakes. If I were to return to Providence today would I be as held back due to the fact that I would be able to run into the past there? The past, my past holds such a strong grip on me. I flip flop daily, weekly, hourly on my own self confidence, maybe in coming home I feel that I failed in life, I was floundering in PROV, holding onto drinking and drugs to distort my reality of things, of life, to hide my failure in finances, love, etc and in returning to BFLO I failed in my attempt to move and live away from the city of my birth.
Well the time has come to stop failing (or feeling that I have failed) and I am doing now, in the acceptance of a new job. I know this isn't my landing pad, only a pit stop in the path of me getting my own life and own life together. I need to use this time, this "up time" b/c I don't want to mark it as a "down time" this is time to regroup, regather and grow. I have an Amway business, which upon watching others, listening to their stories I too can make it, grow it, do it, be it and live the life of my own creation.
Sushia is when I have confidence in myself, it just hit me. The old confidence is there, but only comes out in spots, in brief glimpses, so now the only question is, what prevents it from being out all the time?
Got any suggestions?