Starting Over.....

Mama moved out
Daddy sold the house
They split up the money
And went on their way

And all the king's horses
and all the kings men
couldn't put moma and daddy back together again

Starting Over Again
Where should they begin
'Cause they've never been out on their own
Starting over again
Where do you begin
When your dreams are all shattered
and the kids are all grown
And the whole word cries
.................
What will the neighbors say
They're talkin' talk it's small town news
They're facing fifty years old wrecking up a happy home
And this far down the road
You find yourself alone
Two fools

Starting Over Again
Where do you begin
When you've never been out on your own
Starting over again
Never any end
When your dreams are all shattered
And the kids are all grown
And the whole world cries

And all the kings horses
And all the kings men
Couldn't put my old life back together again


Oh Reba, sing it sister. He all hit a point, rock bottom, physical, emotional, mental and it hit me today as I swung into tiny states of sadness. My mood was shifting on an event that occurred yesterday, who I am today (how I look today more importantly). Thinking of my coworker recently and how she stated she is thinking of going part time and back to our old department and keep working at the bar, which is a job she just picked up. All this b/c she is afraid of getting fired b/c she is perpetually late, 15-30 mins a day. In words I said you do what you feel you have to and in thought I was like,"really....just get your ass up and to work" Like a grown up does, I don't get up at 530am b/c I like it.
Well her at this point, to me where it seemed that she was taking the easy road out, and in a rough manner to say sinking into what would be expected of her she is not taking the moment to charge life, grab the bull by the horns and move onwards and up and then it hit me.......neither am I.
I had gotten really adventurous and into walking on a daily basis, not eating red meat, drinking more water, not going out and then the self realization came to surface that I don't appreciate myself, I don't love my enough to do these changes for me but to attract the attention of another and the realization that no matter I did, I wouldn't get that attention and I sank like a boulder into the ocean, sinking deep into the abyss of self destruction and here I lay, on the bottom of the ocean, with this colossal force of myself against me to get back up there and what do I do. Continue to sit. Now one reason for not walking today is that my thighs are killing me from an active weekend I could say and leave it at that.
And as I sip my diet soda (strike one) I see that two Daily OMs sitting on my wall (strike two and three)Ending the Cycle (start today) and A Bad Habit (being hard on ourselves) which in this little plea I don't consider myself being hard on myself but being honest and truthful. WAKE UP DAVID, you are going to destroy yourself and do it very, very young. So I must LOVE, APPRECIATE, and RESPECT myself, starting now, tonight and keep it going everyday. Starting with myself, my finances, my health, my diet, my exercise. I need to do and work things that mean something to me and take care of myself for me, not for anyone else and it is so simple, so easy and yet I still have difficulty with it. All I have to do is love myself and know that I deserve it and yet I don't unless someone else does and shows that it is ok and there in where the trouble lies. I still can't get myself to love myself without someone else loving me first.
In the recent events of life friendships that I knew and expected to change have, which I once again was expecting and yet I'm taken back. I feel alone, abandoned, lost, left alone and I shouldn't b/c life moves on, we grown, we learn, we change. Friendships can always be there but in a new form.
I need to be happy, emotionally, mentally and physically and don't know how to start b/c I want to plan it out, logically come to the path and in my state I don't think I can do that and don't know what to do at the same time b/c I am completely and utterly confused. Keeping up appearances as it is so that no one around me knows that I'm breaking down but at the same time, they all know.