Lost: having gone astray or missed the way, bewildered as to place, direction, etc.

When does one become lost, not just on the road, in the city, on the country side but when does one lose themselves on their life path? It hit me that I'm lost and that I'm still working to fill a void. The Void that I'm talking about it myself, I spent 5 hours on a Saturday morning, waking up 7am and being out the door by 730 to talk to farmers and vendors for a work health fair and farmers market. Now I spent 5 hours of my own time on this matter, which I can claim as "volunteer spirit hours" but aside from a new volunteer level of Silver, it wont get me much and as I drove around I could feel and sense my own sadness and did nothing against it. So as I stood there, looking around ,talking to the different vendors, the different farmers, explaining my reason for being there, introducing myself to people who probably forgot my name the moment i walked away, stopping them from their min of produce sales b/c I want the associates of the building to have a good experience, to get them out to these local markets, to shop locally, to eat locally, to support the WNY community and on this I spent 5 of my own hours on. Talking to probably over 30 vendors, as I brought 25 letter of interest/invitation and only have out 24 but did not give them to the ones that flat out rejected me.(and now, even as I blog this, I've taken a few min to look up the contact info for Urban Roots so that I can email them tomorrow morning for the event.)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and I know. I don't allow myself to be happy or have happiness. It's been learned, I've been trained to accept this. I am the youngest child but have an only child mindset b/c of the age difference between myself and my older siblings. Im use to attention, getting attention and knowing what to do to get attention but at the same time I'm sure to the sacrifice I have to make b/c they being older and more important needs come first.
So Ive accepted the material gifts or the gift of words from my parents and siblings in place of any actual happiness or love. In this way I've grown cold and distant from them and now (as I've blogged before) and desperately seeking companionship, that I dont know how to open to them, b/c I know part of them deny me b/c I'm gay.
So as I drive home, in bits of sadness, yesterday, today I close up that wound, stitch it shut so I can go about my day and think about my business (www.quixtar.com) my personal finances (in the red) and whatever else I can fill my time with so that I don't deal with myself but I think at the same token I am dealing with myself b/c I know what I need and I just don't know how to get it.

I am lost but I am here, I am alone but surrounded by people and friends. Help me find my way I say to the compass as it spins in my hand, North, South, East, West, Home.