Saturday Night

So here it is, the Saturday night of a long holiday weekend, it's 1055pm and I'm sitting at the pc, in once social networking chat room and blogging on the other. I've spent most of my afternoon to evening watching Season 4 of The L Word, a much beloved show. Watching the girls always makes me think back to much glorious times of my life.
So as I was walking into the back of my apartment (yes I considered it sectioned) I get the urge to blog, while draining the lizard it hits me....Sitting in the house, on a holiday weekend night, thinking of other places, thinking of previous times...... So here I am. In days past I would of been prepping for the black party, drinking till I was smashed, out with friends being stupid, doing a line of coke.
I've been in a storm of emotions lately, it's occurred since I had to go back to work last Monday after my first full week off all year. Anger, Frustration, Hate, Sadness, Depression, and the list goes on. Just what am I looking for? What am I doing? Where am I going? What have I done wrong that life wont let me get any better, why wont I forgive myself? In the last day or so it has hit me, how much I have been judgment, scrutinized all my life by my family, mother, sister, father, brother. I feel that no matter what I do, where I go that I will never be good enough for them and in my misery, as they do in theirs I put others around me down in that wake.
That old surge for destruction has also risen again, I would have to say as myself hate has risen my hunger to hurt and destroy others does also.
I don't want to be hurt and yet again and again, over and over I hurt myself. Desperate, I am so desperate to love and forgive myself but I dont see myself worthy unless someone else does it first. So desperately alone and feeling unconnected. So many mistakes and old emotions I hold onto. What have I done wrong that I won't forgive myself, why do I continue to fall into this cycle?
What's wrong with me? Why am I so stupid? Why do I still let myself hate me so much? What is wrong with me? What have I done?