Life Unfulfilled

Sometimes I wish the Universe would just "ssshhhhhh" you but alas it does not. In those scenerios where it does not we allow our thoughts, emotions or whatever to get out of control and dictact actions we would prefer not to happen.

But I of course live by the rule that all things happen for a reason so I must stop living a life in regret. The words spoken, action taken, etc were meant to be. I know that one of my biggest fears or regrets is showing my full hand and getting rejected for it. As life continues I become more and more aware of items in my past that make me realize why I am the way I am and why I've blocked it out.

I grew up in an angry, bitter household, filled with emotional and at times physical violence. I grew up the child of two alcholics that often times filled my childhood with some form of abandonment and lack of fulfillment as they worked to fulfill their needs, I only receiving some form of material gratificaiton later to make up for disapointments.

So here I am, the grown child that gifts extravagently because I can't say "thank you" or "I love you", the grown child that is often emotional deteached even from himself. The grown child that is often too scared to take the next step forward because he is afraid of getting the negative consequence which so often occurs, the grown child that likes all the wrong men because it's easier to want something you can't have than handle something that could actually happen.

So here is the grown child that continually hurts himself because that is all he knows how to do.

So here is the grown child that looks to build the perfect fairy tale so that you the friend and neighbor does not know that anything is wrong. The magic mirror looking to crack under the weight of it's own spell.