Birthday

So I need to first mention that today was my 28th birthday, on the 28th of January, I was born in the year of 1982.
The lead up to my birthday was nothing spectacular, I ended the eve early by sitting at this very computer talking to a random person, they unaware my birthday was pending at the stroke of midnight and I was ready for tears. So I here a sit again, 45mins away from the end of my birthday without a tear to shed but hundreds of thoughts roaming free. Enough thoughts that I have gotten out of bed to write this very blog.
I was awoken my a text message from a friend requesting me to confirm my address. Which happens to be my pending residence as I am seeking refuge in another dwelling however have not secured such a place as of yet. I actually packed a box today and two milk crates of some of my belongings. A fight or flee mood has come over me and I have chosen to flee, take my losses and go because you can always fight another day with more reserves.
Here I am, 28 wiser I could say then when I was 20 but no better off then when I was 20. Still making the same mistakes, still holding myself back. I realized something this time around. I don't know how to vocalize it but I've figured something out. I have also figured something out that I didn't mean to but upon being awoken by the text message I did. I need a man, I need a man to acknowledge me in a way that my father has never done and I need a man to show me the compassion, understanding and stability that my mother never has.
I've felt a little used this year, the location for dinner was chosen by my mother for my mother as she never gets to eat at this establishment and apparently my father goes often with my aunt. I being me simply agreed, later at night she, being my mother now has to send me despairing remarks about my father the same as she had done this morning. On my birthday she cannot give it one rest, on my birthday she cannot let sleeping dogs lie, cannot let me have peace, happiness and the love that I need and deserve. It hit me, in a flash moment of waking up, for whatever reason I am not sure but it hit me that I need love and acceptance. Self love more then anything else but like a battered dog I do not know how to love myself or trust other individuals with loving me either. I have a sense that everyone in their own way has an agenda or falsehood to their liking of me. Like a doll I sit there, put of the party face, the smile, the laughs, go where I am asked to go and dress as I need to dress. Not all the time understand but at moments I am not for my own. Like a doll that has been dropped, kicked, thrown I am slightly cracked either waiting for the final break or waiting to be repaired and in that moment of waking up, with a certain person on my mind I longed for that hug, I longed for that warm touch of someone and in that embrace without words I would know that they understand me, care for me, will let me break, let me be vulnerable into them and that everything would be alright.
But that was just a moment in between sleep and wake, a brief glimpse of my want, my longing. Like always the cracks have sealed, the emotions buried, my wants locked away for me to know, feel and forget until a moment brings them to surface for another brief glimpse of the sun.
This is it man, 28. Alone, broken and 28.