Because there is only one......
Oh Great Horsemen of the Apocoalypse, ride before thee and clear thy path.....I have one great enemy and that is myself. A mood took over me today, a darker mood, the mood that I could say was lead into my mind by my Horsemen. Self Doubt, Stupidity, Self Hate and Emotional Death. It was a bit a rough start to my day, I awoke up early , well at my normal work wake up time. Sinuses a blaze in the wake of a over night/early morning storm, tired, miserable, back at work. The weekend burns through my mind, being out with my friends, the fun I had going to the farmer's markets, etc and as it rolls through the day, I start high and happy, enjoying the day, the love songs that come through my iPod, the fun songs too and my mind rolls over the weekend and has the day progresses I sink. The first wave of the Onslaught has entered. I have no reason to think this way about someone, b/c of myself I don't deserve or could even get the chance, why am I so lazy and procrastnate when I should be getting my act together and in the final swoop, the pain of hurting myself as I do so well. Repeating previous thoughts, past pains, the pain I believe I caused others. Cycling over and over again about how bad I am, and then that thought came round.......the bad guys don't get the good boys......and I myself am a Bad Boy. Now i'm not some punk, some hard ass, but I've done some bad things, and at times still do these things, I've taken pleasure in these things, I act without care for myself and yes, as much as I know these things are not right, not healthy, I still do them. Why would someone that cares so little for themselves get someone that is so good. Of course the person isn't as good as you to think, as we put them on the pedistal in our minds. But still the damage was done, the dagger is in, the blade has been turned and internal bleeding was at full force.
Why, why are we so stupid when it comes to these things, to matters of the heart, why do I look to hurt myself over and over again but I know it's b/c my mentality is if I hurt myself first then it won't hurt so much IF and when the other persons me. The key part of that was "IF" b/c I of course don't know they are going to.
I've been doing so well, pumping myself, I was alive and engaged in going out on Sat, by myself so much and then running into a friend, I was social, laughable, friendly, talkative, not just to my friends but the people around me. I was who I am, there in those moments I was happy and here I am on the slaughter of my own emotionally happiness.
I'm recovering from this, I know that my thoughts on myself are wrong and unfounded and at the same time I have to admit that I still have my thoughts but if I've gotten as far as I have, with all the work that I've done I will get over this.
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