oh one of my most favorite lines by the Dark Phoenix and something I know a little about. I do not understand love however I yearn and hunger for it. I've had a few reminders these last few days about family love. My mother belittled me and then lightly attempted to sweep that blow away with a different topic and my brother and sister-in-law did not invite me to my nephew/godson's high school graduation.
I as usual held these events against myself, I've lived a life full of conditional love brought to me by my parents and I hold myself accountable for the absence in my nephew and nieces' lives. I chose to attend an out of state college in their developing years and returned home to find that their lives moved on, while I attempted to pick up where I left off.
It's been a bad emotional few days. I've swung from upset to anger to dark anger. I've become lost in the emotional stream, unsure of my footing and highly unaware of my next step. In these wondering, edging on the side of dark anger a part of me longs to lash out in physical violence, break something, smash something, hit something and then my senses come. In these wonderings, edging on the side of dark anger a part of me wants to lash out and make others feel as I do, eliminate their joy and I hold back those urges. However I do lash out at myself to make myself feel worse.
I am distressed and have gone into emergency/evacuation mode. What can I do, where can I go, what can be done to turn myself around? I want to fight, I want to flee, I want to escape and I want to destroy.
My emotions are in flux and I'm trapped.
I'm trapped within myself, caged within my existence and unable to escape it. I've lost control and with that control I have lost myself. I can only hope that a new dawn, a new day will come for me with new clarity.
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