Not everyone is allowed to face their own death and I feel that numerous times I have. Not so much the physical my soul has left my body death, at least that I'm aware of. However I have faced many a times my emotional and spiritual death. Each time coming back with what I now think of only a sliver of my former self.
A friend sent me an old picture of myself today. T-R-A-G-G-I-C!!! The picture totally sums up my life at that time. (see attached)
This morning was what I would another look into the face of death. Greg Lynn, not my personal Grim Reaper but a man who makes me look at my own inner Reaper. I'm killing myself slowly and yet am not going willingly. So what is it, time for change? Time for a New Dawn? Time for myself to sprout and blossom like the spring bulbs, metamorphosis like a caterpillar into a butterfly? I've stopped asking myself the question of who am I but more or less the question of how am I and I know I'm not well. But I will be, I just need to take those steps to get there. It's time and I know it. It's just a matter of implementing the plan, the plan that is greater then myself and larger then I know how to understand. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, something bigger then myself. I usually know how to conquer the demons and I know and understand and here I am facing the unknown and to over quote the quote but we are afraid of the unknown.
And there is where I stop for a moment because I really wonder how unknown it is. Do I really know what I need to do, what I have to do. I call it numerous times the self sacrifice, the collapse before the rebirth. I give it names, analogies however I don't discuss the action it self. I know it's time but how do I enact it?
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