Doll

So we all know that I enjoy Fox's show the Dollhouse and for years I have been referring to myself as a Doll. Well in re-watching the first season for like the 5th time in 2 months. I know I need more of a life.
But, this has also allowed some self reflection, one of the last things that I need. So what is a Fish to do. Well it hit me. What happens when a Doll becomes self aware? I've always kept the two sides of my life separate, apart. But then it me, the Doll aka Sushia is self aware and by this I don't mean syzcho I mean that I have purposely created this "secret life" and keep her locked away in my own self, I haven't taken Sush out of the fisherman's net in years, the last appearance only being in May for the Murder at Linden Downs party. But why?
I have a tendency to keep myself unhappy, like I don't deserve happiness and I know I do deserve happiness and then I was wondering does being Sushia make me happy. This isn't like an alter ego thing this is a am I really hiding who I am for every one's elses happiness? Why do I not let myself be who I am? Why do I keep the happier side of myself locked into a bottle? Is it b/c not being Sushia I am already awkward enough and being Sushia would only make my life more awkward? I know where I stand for the most part now, outside the ring, the circle of people. I mean people like me, people enjoy talking to me, I am fun, funny but I know that when it comes down to a fine point I lose interest in people or the topic of conversation and I fall off the radar and will either float to another conversation or disappear all together and I know that I am not the most engaging at all times. I do try to be, I try to be very focus on a person or conversation or scene however my nature always arises and soon the cover is blown and I move on. I even lose interest in things that I am doing, I mean writing this my mind is blowing over, looking for other things to get into. I am frankly ready to read my current book.
I do not focus on myself and that is a problem and a major one. I would/will need to focus on myself to allow myself to be happy and I just don't keep that up and then I need to focus on my own topics and goals and I don't do that either. By the gods that sucks!
So what happens now? Where do I go from here? I am working on the physical self, I've already worked on the emotional, mental and spiritual I guess this is where I determine who I really am and start making that the reality.