OMG I'm a WHORE!

Clarification: I am an Attention Whore, not a whore that takes money for sex.

So what's the difference between a courtesan and a whore? So far from what I've read it seems to be just the clientele. (note, I should not be left to my own devices, for any period of time) Case in point, based upon an online test I rank high for "schizotypal" aka personality disorder.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	Very High
Dependent Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

While out today, after the Pride Center of WNY's LGBT Professional Happy Hour I realized that, as well as analyzing an encounter with a friend, that I like, want and hunger for attention and generally will do I what I need to, to get it. I should clarify that it's not just attention that I want. I want to be desired, I want to know, feel and sense that people want me.

I do and say a lot of stupid things to get attention, my smart whit and humor are adored, my brutal honesty said in blatant terms is cherished, people just seem to love me. This was demonstrated by the fact that upon leaving the bar all my friend's cheered me good night as I walked back that the other patrons turned to look. I know over the top people and this ensures the love and attention that I want yet I still hunger to be desired.

“I…hunger, Scott — for a joy, a rapture. Beyond all comprehension. That need is a part of me, too.” ~ Dark Phoenix, Uncanny X-men #136



Know me, need me, desire me. I've noticed it now, now that I am not getting that attention. I've noticed it now, now that I do hunger and crave for it. In the midsts of it I feel alive, I feel like there is a soul and heart in that dark crevice where it should be.

I probably say a lot of shit on here I shouldn't, but I'm being honest. I'm honest with others and myself. A honesty that I need so break down the walls and barriers that I have set up over the years.

So how does one overcome this? How does one stop the game (hate the game, not the player) How do I stop living in the moment of the desire and start seeking something more. I've noticed the disattachment, when I've had my fill I end the game. K.O. my victim and call it day. How do I become open to and accepting of deeper relationships?

"Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly......"Will you rest upon my little bed?" said the Spider to the Fly. "There are pretty curtains drawn around; the sheets are fine and thin, And if you like to rest awhile, I'll snugly tuck you in!" "Oh no, no," said the little Fly, "for I've often heard it said, They never, never wake again, who sleep upon your bed!"

Mary Howitt (1799 - 1888) was an English poetess, and author of the famous poem "The Spider and the Fly".