Phantom of Self: Consumes Us

"Past the point of no return
No going back now
Our passion-play has now at last begun.

Past all thought of right or wrong
One final question
How long should we two wait before we're one?

When will the blood begin to race
The sleeping bud burst into bloom
When will the flames at last CONSUME us?"

So I once had a brilliant concept for a performance piece for Phantom of the Opera and sitting on the couch tonight the ghosts of past rise yet again. Not watching Phantom of the Opera but Dead Like Me, Daisy is playing the part of the mistress in this episode to lure the man into cheating situation.
Her sitting their, her empty feelings, her seduction of this man brought up old memories and feelings from my days past when I played the role of empty seductress.

One thing that I long for now more then ever is love. Love that I can show myself and love that I will allow others to express for me. But do I know love? No I do not. I don't know how to love myself a lot of what I have to do is train myself how to do so. I have been that actress, that longing love, that seductress that made you want and believe in your fantasies for one night, one hour but at what cost to myself? Filling only temporarily a void for myself and yet digging another larger void in it's place and when the current drops what do you have left but an actor without a role.

Am I an actor without a stage? Is this longing that I am experiencing a longing for the falsities that I had before? When performing on stage it always aloud me to express myself and sometimes my inner feelings or inner longings. It allowed me to express tenderness, compassion, love that I did not express as myself.

I'm recently getting over a crush. I hate this period of time. At 28 years old I have never been on a date, never been in love and never been in a relationship. These crushes come hard and fast, like all others before I end them because I know when reality comes it will never be real. I hate this period because it is when I get to return to my normal state, the "heart" that beats, shaped like the heart of Valentines and so on fades. The joy, the excitement of what is "possible" fades and what I am left with is the reality that it will not be, the same desire and dread of my every day. For those moments while the crush is on I feel normal. I feel connected, alive, full of possibilities. Like I am someone, I am something, I am like the rest of the world....connected to someone other themselves in a way so personal that only they understand and share in it.

and here I am. The little flare ups occur but only for a moment or longer then I settle into the embers of my normal state. The void larger then before, the space more vast.